say that you love me again..

I went to sleep smiling last night! Just thinking of everything that could be. That should be. I kept having those vague, passionate, candid conversations right inside of my head. How you would be surprised and pleasantly so, how you would be confused and unsure, how we would talk about meanings and consequences and how we would just let that single night be both meaningless and inconsequential. And how I would whisper ever so softly that, it would be just like our lives! Where nothing outside of it really gets impacted by what we do with it.
You know I often think that whatever I have felt for you is actually love. And that you're almost the only person that I have really loved. Everything else was in passing. Out of an external suggestion in some sense. But you. I loved you the same even when you were really different. And I love you  more now. Given how complex it all is!
My passion for you remained, sometimes hidden, a lot of times not so hidden :) I often feel how I am wronging three people. You, shorty and I. But I don;t care about that.
Why do you worry so much, swifty? Why? I'm not even sure if you really feel anything for me, but I still hope. Sure, it might not change the way things are socially for us. But in our minds, won't we be much more peaceful? Or would we be? Or perhaps it's not so much like how it is for me. I am to you, like how everyone else except you are to me! And so you probably think it's not worth it.
I wish that we speak our chests off one day. I even have the perfect location and time in my mind for that. I would just lay my head on your shoulders and you would hold me gently and we would talk. Sometimes smile and giggle and feel silly about not talking so long. You would keep telling those stupid jokes and I would laugh my heads off. And then somewhere in between we would look into each others' eyes and perhaps kiss. We would..

Ah well. Or, like always, you might just stand me up :)

Saying that I love you..

Sometimes it's really easy when I just say it. When I just say that I love you. I wonder why it took me so long to realize it.

Have I told you lately..

As I think about every one of those guys in my past and remember all the very nice moments, I feel this immense urge to say "I love you" to every one of them. It's a feeling that is so strong that nothing else would feel right. Except saying those words. It's that overwhelming!
I was thinking about Astle today. I have been thinking about him lately because of this nice e-mail exchanges we are having. I had cut off all communication with him and out of the blue he sent me the battle star galactica track- "Are you alive". And I am alive, of course and it started.
We are just talking very mundane stuff but I'm thrilled to bits already. I remember all the memories associated with him in tremendous detail. Sometimes I even miss the smell of his whiskey stained lips. I absolutely adore that memory of eating pizza naked on a lazy Sunday late morning. And now I want to say "I love you" to him.
Obviously I don't want anything back. I don't even want to say it so that he knows that I am saying it. It's just a strong impulse from within to express it. Even if it is only to myself :)
I know it is not serious and my life doesn't depend on it. Neither is the feeling such that it will make me pursue it. No.
But I love these momentary, fleeting, strong urges. It keeps me alive. And in a strange sense, curious.
This got me thinking if I don't think so highly of love! Since I keep wanting to say "I love you" to so many people.
Or perhaps I indeed love so many people!