say that you love me again..

I went to sleep smiling last night! Just thinking of everything that could be. That should be. I kept having those vague, passionate, candid conversations right inside of my head. How you would be surprised and pleasantly so, how you would be confused and unsure, how we would talk about meanings and consequences and how we would just let that single night be both meaningless and inconsequential. And how I would whisper ever so softly that, it would be just like our lives! Where nothing outside of it really gets impacted by what we do with it.
You know I often think that whatever I have felt for you is actually love. And that you're almost the only person that I have really loved. Everything else was in passing. Out of an external suggestion in some sense. But you. I loved you the same even when you were really different. And I love you  more now. Given how complex it all is!
My passion for you remained, sometimes hidden, a lot of times not so hidden :) I often feel how I am wronging three people. You, shorty and I. But I don;t care about that.
Why do you worry so much, swifty? Why? I'm not even sure if you really feel anything for me, but I still hope. Sure, it might not change the way things are socially for us. But in our minds, won't we be much more peaceful? Or would we be? Or perhaps it's not so much like how it is for me. I am to you, like how everyone else except you are to me! And so you probably think it's not worth it.
I wish that we speak our chests off one day. I even have the perfect location and time in my mind for that. I would just lay my head on your shoulders and you would hold me gently and we would talk. Sometimes smile and giggle and feel silly about not talking so long. You would keep telling those stupid jokes and I would laugh my heads off. And then somewhere in between we would look into each others' eyes and perhaps kiss. We would..

Ah well. Or, like always, you might just stand me up :)

in the deep

Is there anything better than smelling all orgasmy and nice? I think not.

Saying that I love you..

Sometimes it's really easy when I just say it. When I just say that I love you. I wonder why it took me so long to realize it.

Over-enthusiastic fuckwads, get a grip on yourselves. For fuckssake!

Given to a man whose hand is cold as ice

All I need is a friend.
To break her heart, of course.

Reconnect

Reconnecting makes sense only when you have connected in the first place. Social networking is fucking lame.

I am so boring

I want to shine. Tell me how.
Been this boring, awkward person too long.
Always been worried about saying the wrong thing.
Hitting the wrong spot.

Shine. is what I want.
The glow, the lights, the power.
I want you to notice me.
See me for who I am.

Your love isn't enough.
No baby, not enough. Sorry.
I want more. I want the glory.
I want the apparent love of so many.

Perhaps for a split second.
But let me hold it.
Let me be that girl.
For once, let me shine.

Have I told you lately..

As I think about every one of those guys in my past and remember all the very nice moments, I feel this immense urge to say "I love you" to every one of them. It's a feeling that is so strong that nothing else would feel right. Except saying those words. It's that overwhelming!
I was thinking about Astle today. I have been thinking about him lately because of this nice e-mail exchanges we are having. I had cut off all communication with him and out of the blue he sent me the battle star galactica track- "Are you alive". And I am alive, of course and it started.
We are just talking very mundane stuff but I'm thrilled to bits already. I remember all the memories associated with him in tremendous detail. Sometimes I even miss the smell of his whiskey stained lips. I absolutely adore that memory of eating pizza naked on a lazy Sunday late morning. And now I want to say "I love you" to him.
Obviously I don't want anything back. I don't even want to say it so that he knows that I am saying it. It's just a strong impulse from within to express it. Even if it is only to myself :)
I know it is not serious and my life doesn't depend on it. Neither is the feeling such that it will make me pursue it. No.
But I love these momentary, fleeting, strong urges. It keeps me alive. And in a strange sense, curious.
This got me thinking if I don't think so highly of love! Since I keep wanting to say "I love you" to so many people.
Or perhaps I indeed love so many people!

Don't feel at home.

The problem with all the guys that I date is that they just don't leave. They all have been very good guys. And shoot me for being so lame but seriously, my problem is that they are indeed very good. And a more important problem that I have is that I want to leave. All the time.
Like everyone, I love the beginnings. The heady feeling of curiosity, getting to know, warmth in the head, all the sexual tension, the first ripping-the-clothes-apart - all these never fail to amaze me. I adore every bit of the start. And once I know it all, I have felt it all, I have known and felt. And I don't seek more.As days go by, companionship is a burden, a sense of duty almost completely replaces any shred of love. But I am lazy, of course. And I don't want to come across as a cold-hearted bitch to myself. So, I just stick around. And wait!
Until a new beginning comes by.
The guys. I don't know if they are all insecure and spineless or very emotional. They have been believing in true love type of thing. So, they don't pick up subtle clues. They sometimes don't mind transgressions, always believing that the love is still alive.
In the heart of my hearts I know I won't get along well with such guys since we don't believe the same things. But  I date them. Perhaps because of a fear (and hope?) that if I were to magically change into a true-love-believer, I shouldn't have any trouble?
Heh.Whatever I may say, a cold-hearted bitch is what I am.

Only fools rush

And so I left those pretty earrings on your table. Wishing that you would see them when I'm gone and keep them with you till you saw me next time. And I had sworn I would ask about it just once and never again. That way you would just keep it with you if you wanted to. I know you are a sucker for souvenirs. And you would give it back to me if you didn't care at all.
And I asked you. But you said something that I didn't ever think you would. You said you didn't see anything. It was impossible to not see it. You saw everything that was around it. And you are meticulous like that. And then I so smilingly thought how you said you didn't see it because you wanted to keep it and not tell me about it. I know I'm so silly. To keep thinking about those small moments. But it did raise my hopes so much, you know. I don't know if you told me the truth, perhaps those earrings just fell off or something. But.
I long for you. It's a shame we didn't even kiss. I wish that we kiss. At least once, you know.
It's been over two years and neither of us brought the topic of earrings up. I know I did so many other things rashly. But you had a choice all the time. You just had to say it to me. Say anything. I would have understood.
It does seem like I have moved on with my life. But whenever I think of you, talk to you, remember you, time goes back and gets stuck there.
I wish. Many things. You, your smile and your love.

Here

I have been here for long. For longer than you know. And I have tried my best to break my mold. But then I keep falling back in it. I think the reason is pretty obvious and is a well-known one. People who I know in real life read what I write and that bothers me. I want to be heard, I do. That's the whole point of writing a public blog.
I have tried letting it all go. I sometimes think, all these people about whom I am so worried, do not even care about what I think or what I write. Perhaps it doesn't bother anyone. But I can't get myself to get out of that fucking boundary.
And now, it's a fresh start again. To say what I want. Without worrying about anything. I wish I have the perseverance this time. There have been countless beginnings and more in-betweens. And no ends. That somewhat makes me sad. Unending stories. But such is life it seems.
I hope someone reads me :)